Finding Your Identity as a Public Speaker

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Finding Your Identity as a Public Speaker

“What do you do?” I am asked by a woman at a networking event.

“I am a world-class speaker, bestselling author, and top performance mastery coach!” I boldly and confidently reply.

Her eyebrows fly high. She looks perplexed. Such arrogance is unnerving. However, I am not concerned with her feelings. I say these words at every opportunity I get. It’s my mantra. I am not saying these words to impress or to brag. I am training my subconscious mind to know who I am, and what I intend. I train my gut! I train my heart! I train every cell of my body! My mind will have to work for me to serve me in creating my “world-class” identity.

“So, are you famous?” she may timidly ask. “Um, no. Not YET!…”

By the look on her face, I conclude that she is confused. Why am I saying that I am world-class if I am not famous? This is where the interesting discussion takes place.

“Why aren’t you learning all you can about mediation?” I ask my lawyer-client, who came to me to work on her confidence and empowerment.

“What’s the use?” she says, “I am not doing it right now anyway. When I will do mediations, then I’ll learn all I need for a client.”

“We need to schedule lessons to work on mental preparation for a competition,” I tell a mother of one of my skating students.

“Yes, we’ll do that when she makes it to Nationals. If she doesn’t make it, it won’t matter anyway, right?”

I hear this all the time. And the sad truth is, this lawyer will not work with clients, and this student will not make it to Nationals. Why? Because we get what we believe in. If I believed that I will for sure work with clients, or make it to Nationals, I wouldn’t mind putting in extra effort, and finding ways of making it happen! But if you have a fear or doubt of failure, you won’t invest your time, energy, or money, so you’ll look for an excuse not to do it. Most of the people live in the paradigm “I’ll believe it, when I see it, show me the results, and I will follow!”

My Perfect Day

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I had an interesting realization today. A friend of mine asked: “How is your day going?” Thinking about how my day has been unfolding I winced. All the minutes and hours I wasn’t productive with my time, all the wasted opportunities, procrastination… passed through my mind.

“Good… but not as good as I wanted it to be…” I replied. Once I hang up the phone the statement “not as good as I wanted it to be” stuck with me. Suddenly I heard this voice asking:

“Is it really true? Is it true that your day didn’t unfold to your liking?”

“Of course it is!” I heard myself reply in irritation, coming up with all the proofs of absolute certainty in my rightness. On spur of moment I stopped, hearing myself rumbling all the pathetic excuses. What’s the point to argue with this voice when the fact is, if I wanted to have a different day, really different, I could have made different choices.

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I could have set my alarm clock half an hour earlier…

I could have jump out of bed without snoozing the alarm five times…

I could have made it to the morning yoga class…

I could have…

I had an opportunity to choose exactly what I wanted to do, and I did. The outcome of my choices may not be a reflection of “what I wanted,” but I always had a choice to do exactly as I wished in the moment. Therefore, the naked, plain truth is–my day unfolded perfectly, exactly as I wanted, and it always does!

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It begins with a little snooze…

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4:15 am. My alarm goes off. Time to jump out of bed, but, wait… “You only got four hours of sleep” my mind reminds me. “You don’t have to force yourself, just 5 more minutes…You have plenty of time. You can still do everything you scheduled!”

Sounds very convincing and true. And like a puppet on a string my hand hits the snooze button…

I hug my blanket a little tighter and enjoy few more minutes of sleep. Then a few more… It’s no harm… Finally I get up at 4:33 feeling groggy and still tired. Snoozing didn’t help me to feel any better. In fact, it made me feel worse. For most people’s standards 4:33 am is still very early. For me too. Yet I made a decision to begin my day before sunrise, exactly at 4:15 am. And with FIRST alarm! A commitment. And I failed…

I am a Certified High Performance Coach – more so Performance Mastery Coach. There is a subtle difference between these titles. High Performance is more about the physical aspect of life, something visible and doable. You can see the results of your labor. Performance Mastery, on the other hand, is more about mastering the unseen, the mind. This is where we start our conversation about “potential.” Human potential lies in the world of the “unseen”, like the invisible body of an iceberg hidden beneath the water surface.

What does “snooze” have to do with potential?

EVERYTHING!

I remember the day vividly. I was in my meditation when I almost heard the voice. “You want to become the Master? Begin with your wake-up time. Master the “wake-up.”

WOW!!! I was a “snooze queen” for years. No. More like for a lifetime! Mornings were my hardest time of the day. I guess people would call me a “night owl.” But it wasn’t serving me. I had to change. I wanted to change. I was tired of being late everywhere and putting off for later things that were difficult for me. I was feeling intensely jealous of all those people that were organized, on time, productive, and early risers. Sure, I had many beautiful qualities within me too. And I was successful. But I really wanted those qualities “they” had: impeccability, strength of heart, discipline.

I watched my best friend become a World Bronze Medalist in figure skating because she had that ability to do the “difficult.” Everyday I would wake up after 3-4 snoozes telling myself, “This this is the last time.” “Tomorrow I will start new life.” I didn’t see that “tomorrow” is a “snooze” on today! I didn’t see that extra piece of chocolate, or bread, or order of french fries was a “snooze” on my health, on my body. On my Self.

On my LIFE!

Mastering the “wake-up” is not about getting up at 4:15 am every morning. It’s not about having an early start for the day. It’s not about time at all.

It’s about conquering your mind. It’s about awareness. It’s about transformation. You must have heard the phrase, “Mind over matter.” It is true. Your mind rules over your body. However, you are not your mind. If your mind becomes your master you are doomed!

An untrained mind is like an untrained dog. It loves you. But it chews your furniture, poops in the corners of your house, and pees on the carpet. It rationalizes that it’s OK just this one time… then one more. Then one more. Until it becomes a very powerful habit that is very difficult to break. “Your habits create YOU!” my spiritual teacher would say. It took me a while to really grasp this idea, to make it my own! The truth is, it’s not about “mind over matter.” It’s about YOU over mind, then mind over matter.

Where in your life are you “snoozing”? How would your life improve if “snoozing” was no longer an option? How would your life turn around if you learned the techniques of mastering your mind?

Imagine for a moment what would happen to the top of an iceberg if you started transforming the part under water?

Think further… What would its impact be on the ocean? Earth? Atmosphere? Solar system? Universe? One ripple in the water changes the world. One “iceberg” that no longer snoozes does far more. That’s the power of transforming the mind.

Are you ready to make a change?

Contact me to find out how you could work with me on changing your life by training your mind.

In Honor of My Mom

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IMG_3820April 21, 2011. Noon. I was having lunch in a beautiful cafe by the lake. It was a lovely, sunny day in California. My phone rang. I glanced at the number. New York. I picked up the receiver. The lady on the other end sounded muffled and grave. “Is this Faye Kovler?” she called me by my maiden name.
“Speaking,” my heart slowed, I held my breath.

“Your mother, Gita Kovler, just passed. My deepest condolences.”

That’s it. She said it. I felt numb and dumb. I wanted to immediately call my mother to tell her, to share as I’ve always shared news with her. Suddenly I realized that I won’t be able to do that ever again… I didn’t feel sadness, I felt fear. How can a child live without her mama? What will I do? Who is going to support me and cheer me up? Who will I have to prove to that I am able and capable? Who will I fight with? Who will I laugh with? Who will I cry to?

I didn’t realize until that moment what she had been to me in my life. She was ferocious and controlling, demanding and judgmental… And…. She was a chisel that shaped me into the person I became today. She loved me unconditionally and fought for me. She pushed me to my excellence. I miss her. I miss her so much it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I know she is there for me in spirit. Yet, how wonderful it would have been to share with her, “Mom, I published a book!”, “Mom, it became a bestseller!”, “Mom, I am a speaker now!”, “Mom….. I love you….”

I was sitting in the front row at the Brendon Burchard’s Experts Academy, and his mother appeared on stage as he introduced her to attendees in deepest gratitude… Tears were flowing down my cheeks, and I felt envious…. I know, I shouldn’t have but I did. I wanted my mama to see me. I wanted her to be proud of me.

Moms are changing the world through us, children. I’ve dedicated my book to my parents. Both deceased. It’s strange to be an adult and yet feel sad for being an orphan. I thought only children can be orphans. It’s not true.

So, today, I choose to celebrate my mama, Mamochka, with you. My ebook, Choreography of Awakening will be on special sale beginning April 22nd through April 26th. And if you want to know more about my parents go straight to Chapter 8.
But if I could ask for something…. I’d ask you to buy my book and give it to your mom. I’d ask you to fulfill that yearning of mine for me. And for YOU.
I’m sending my love to you and to your mom…..
Thank you for reading, and thank you for being part of my life…

Stark-naked

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June 25, 2014: My book became #1 bestseller on Amazon, in four different categories. Sounds good, right? But what you couldn’t see is a person, sitting behind the computer, stark-naked, without breakfast, lunch, dinner, writing and sending texts and emails. I sure have learned a lot that day. I’ve learned what it takes not only to write the book but to promote, market, ask, persuade and be humble.

Some people would get excited and write back and congratulate. Others would not respond, yet others would be upset for being “harassed”. But I’ve learned to just keep going and promote, market, ask, persuade and be humble. It wasn’t easy. When people don’t respond, you can’t take it personally. After all, it’s about taking risks, it’s about perseverance, it’s about doing the leg work no matter what! It’s about a stubborn belief that in the end hard work will pay off. That day it did! And it did work so many times before, when I trained my students for competitions. Their results were a true testimonial to the work behind the curtains we’ve put in.
I can’t tell you how many times friends, peers, family members would tell me: “just stop it already, it won’t work!” But I couldn’t believe that that kind of work will not pay off. Besides, I had fun doing it! There was a meaning and purpose behind it. Maybe not everyone could understand that.
Today I have a different event coming up, and I have to use the same tactics that I’ve learned on June 25, 2014. Stark-naked, behind the computer screen, hours and hours, sending text and email invitations to friends, family, clients for my event “The Path to Unstoppable YOU”.
Dreams do come true. I know that, because mine have! Now that they have, people want to know how did my overnight success happen? Would you like to know how? Come to the introduction evening on Tuesday, March 17. Click here 

Dealing With Painful Emotions

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Facebook. I am on it again. I can’t remember how I got there. I was writing intentions, meditating…suddenly I am on Facebook… I can’t even tell how long was I on it, two minutes? five? ten? Why am I here, what am I looking for? Back to writing and meditation. Intention. I intend to catch that pesky thought or emotion that gets me off track each time, and sets me off to check an email, Facebook, text message and whatever else might have come through the cyber space. I know, the message I am waiting for (if it’s there) won’t disappear if I wait, if I appoint specific time to check it, and give specified amount of minutes to spend. The problem is, I am unaware of getting there to begin with, like a drunk wondering when he took that first drink of the evening, and how many has it been?

Emotions are brewing inside of my body varying from hi tides to low, from enthusiasm and inspiration to depression and despair. It’s exhausting! I love feeling the former, and seek for refuge from latter. My ex-husband asked for divorce two days after he told me that he will love me for the rest of his life. My super successful, accomplished student left after the performance of her life and the careers high. My boyfriend broke up the most amazing relationship ever. Things are going well…I am terrified…. Are all of these my patterns? Lessons I need to learn? Did I do something to sabotage great things? Am I about to sabotage the amazing stuff from unfolding? What gets people to quit when things are going well? Why do we do that?

I feel bad. My stomach is flipping. “Stop! Stop flipping!” I want to yell, I want the discomfort to go away, I want someone to help me to take it away. I know it’s the thought that I heard, “He will leave, he is not going to respond…you won’t get that job….they’ll change their mind…” and there goes next round of checking the e-mails… If only I get the response that everything is good, than I will feel better….Until….

I suddenly realized, that my worry is about what he or they are thinking… “Doesn’t he miss me as much as I miss him? Doesn’t he think what I think? What does he think about? Did I do okay? Did I say something they didn’t like?”
My stomach doesn’t respond kindly to these thoughts. What am I doing in his business anyway?
Do I really care about how he feels or what he thinks? Honestly, all I want is for discomfort in my stomach, or the pain in my heart to go away! That’s what I want. It’s just that I have attached my pain to him, and as long as its attached to him I will be in pain, because no longer I have control over it.

My student left. “Why?”  “I am a bad teacher.” That makes sense. Right? But it doesn’t. I am not a bad teacher. I am an amazing teacher, one of the best in the world. “Then why did they leave you? It must be you, you are not good enough, you did something wrong,” asks all logical mind.

I ask my clients to do a very simple homework—go to a public place, lie down on the floor, count to ten, get up and leave. Anyone can do that. It doesn’t require special skills or knowledge, it’s not dangerous, it doesn’t threaten one’s life, there is no risk of injury. However, they find this homework crazy challenging. Most of us are more afraid of what people will think of us, than anything else in the world! The most interesting thing I found about this, is that we already ‘know’ what people will think of us ahead of time. However, those of my clients who summoned the courage to do the exercise have discovered how erroneous their thoughts were. The truth is, NO ONE CARED about them laying down on the floor! No one cares about what you think and feel, even when they say they love you! What they really are saying is the emotion they are experiencing! It’s not about you, it’s about them. Since they are experiencing that emotion around you, you must be the cause. Everyone is concerned with their own emotions. I am at peace, or am I off balance? If I am off-balance I must do whatever it takes to get back. If I think that you are the cause of my bad feelings, then I must make you change, or at the very least blame you for my suffering. We don’t even notice how we generate these feelings!

So, people leave, break up, quit and lie…. Why? Because they do. It has nothing to do with you. I stopped going to Aikido, Tai Chi and Kundalini Yoga classes. I loved my teachers, I loved their classes, I loved how they made me feel, I was learning and getting better each time. I was never bored, and looked forward to going. Yet, I stopped. It’s been almost two years since I stopped, and I miss it still. Then why did I stop? I can’t even remember, but I am sure I had a reason at a time, and that reason had nothing to do with my teachers or their classes. It had everything to do with my emotions and thoughts at a time.

Perhaps, we can’t handle too much of feeling good just as we can’t handle too much of feeling bad. We like to experience the balance between two—not too high, not too low. When we reach the threshold of good, we feel enormous fear or worry, or suddenly we remember that last time when it was good. Remember that day? Everything crashed! “I can’t have that happen again, so I find a reason why I must run away now…. “

Awareness is a good thing. I can sit and analyze my emotions. Finally, I am off Facebook, so I can examine what I feel, why I feel it, and I can just accept those feelings. There is nothing to do, no where to run, just allow, experience, accept, and love yourself. And as you do, you find yourself capable of withstanding higher vibrations, your system becomes more capable of joy, love, happiness. You’ll find yourself reaching new highs, but it’s the lows that are strengthening you, strengthening your nervous system, like the weights that assist us with strengthening of our bodies….

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