Facebook. I am on it again. I can’t remember how I got there. I was writing intentions, meditating…suddenly I am on Facebook… I can’t even tell how long was I on it, two minutes? five? ten? Why am I here, what am I looking for? Back to writing and meditation. Intention. I intend to catch that pesky thought or emotion that gets me off track each time, and sets me off to check an email, Facebook, text message and whatever else might have come through the cyber space. I know, the message I am waiting for (if it’s there) won’t disappear if I wait, if I appoint specific time to check it, and give specified amount of minutes to spend. The problem is, I am unaware of getting there to begin with, like a drunk wondering when he took that first drink of the evening, and how many has it been?
Emotions are brewing inside of my body varying from hi tides to low, from enthusiasm and inspiration to depression and despair. It’s exhausting! I love feeling the former, and seek for refuge from latter. My ex-husband asked for divorce two days after he told me that he will love me for the rest of his life. My super successful, accomplished student left after the performance of her life and the careers high. My boyfriend broke up the most amazing relationship ever. Things are going well…I am terrified…. Are all of these my patterns? Lessons I need to learn? Did I do something to sabotage great things? Am I about to sabotage the amazing stuff from unfolding? What gets people to quit when things are going well? Why do we do that?
I feel bad. My stomach is flipping. “Stop! Stop flipping!” I want to yell, I want the discomfort to go away, I want someone to help me to take it away. I know it’s the thought that I heard, “He will leave, he is not going to respond…you won’t get that job….they’ll change their mind…” and there goes next round of checking the e-mails… If only I get the response that everything is good, than I will feel better….Until….
I suddenly realized, that my worry is about what he or they are thinking… “Doesn’t he miss me as much as I miss him? Doesn’t he think what I think? What does he think about? Did I do okay? Did I say something they didn’t like?”
My stomach doesn’t respond kindly to these thoughts. What am I doing in his business anyway?
Do I really care about how he feels or what he thinks? Honestly, all I want is for discomfort in my stomach, or the pain in my heart to go away! That’s what I want. It’s just that I have attached my pain to him, and as long as its attached to him I will be in pain, because no longer I have control over it.
My student left. “Why?” “I am a bad teacher.” That makes sense. Right? But it doesn’t. I am not a bad teacher. I am an amazing teacher, one of the best in the world. “Then why did they leave you? It must be you, you are not good enough, you did something wrong,” asks all logical mind.
I ask my clients to do a very simple homework—go to a public place, lie down on the floor, count to ten, get up and leave. Anyone can do that. It doesn’t require special skills or knowledge, it’s not dangerous, it doesn’t threaten one’s life, there is no risk of injury. However, they find this homework crazy challenging. Most of us are more afraid of what people will think of us, than anything else in the world! The most interesting thing I found about this, is that we already ‘know’ what people will think of us ahead of time. However, those of my clients who summoned the courage to do the exercise have discovered how erroneous their thoughts were. The truth is, NO ONE CARED about them laying down on the floor! No one cares about what you think and feel, even when they say they love you! What they really are saying is the emotion they are experiencing! It’s not about you, it’s about them. Since they are experiencing that emotion around you, you must be the cause. Everyone is concerned with their own emotions. I am at peace, or am I off balance? If I am off-balance I must do whatever it takes to get back. If I think that you are the cause of my bad feelings, then I must make you change, or at the very least blame you for my suffering. We don’t even notice how we generate these feelings!
So, people leave, break up, quit and lie…. Why? Because they do. It has nothing to do with you. I stopped going to Aikido, Tai Chi and Kundalini Yoga classes. I loved my teachers, I loved their classes, I loved how they made me feel, I was learning and getting better each time. I was never bored, and looked forward to going. Yet, I stopped. It’s been almost two years since I stopped, and I miss it still. Then why did I stop? I can’t even remember, but I am sure I had a reason at a time, and that reason had nothing to do with my teachers or their classes. It had everything to do with my emotions and thoughts at a time.
Perhaps, we can’t handle too much of feeling good just as we can’t handle too much of feeling bad. We like to experience the balance between two—not too high, not too low. When we reach the threshold of good, we feel enormous fear or worry, or suddenly we remember that last time when it was good. Remember that day? Everything crashed! “I can’t have that happen again, so I find a reason why I must run away now…. “
Awareness is a good thing. I can sit and analyze my emotions. Finally, I am off Facebook, so I can examine what I feel, why I feel it, and I can just accept those feelings. There is nothing to do, no where to run, just allow, experience, accept, and love yourself. And as you do, you find yourself capable of withstanding higher vibrations, your system becomes more capable of joy, love, happiness. You’ll find yourself reaching new highs, but it’s the lows that are strengthening you, strengthening your nervous system, like the weights that assist us with strengthening of our bodies….