The police lights were flashing behind me.
“Shoot! What’s now?” I silently swore as I was pulling towards the curb. Second ticket in a week! What’s going on? I haven’t had tickets in 15 years!!! And this week – two!?! I was driving on the small suburban street, I didn’t text and I didn’t speed. I was in a hurry, though, to get to a networking event, wishing very much to be there on time — to set an example of honoring commitments. But it won’t happen today! It won’t happen, because I wasn’t self-aware, wasn’t in the moment, wasn’t focused and present.
I was sitting in a car waiting for the officer to approach me. A vision of a few unfortunate events of the recent past flashed through my mind. Feelings of intense sadness overcame me. I started sobbing feeling sorry for myself. Something was going on in my body; it urinated blood for a couple of days, I felt tired and bloated, scared too. My divorce just kicked in, and I was loosing my medical insurance and had to find and pay for a car insurance also … and now … another ticket!!! The officer bend over to bark out the contents of my offense. Stop sign!
“Lady, officer X. Did you see a Stop Sign?”
“Yes, officer, I did see it, and I believe I stopped!” I mumbled. I remembered slowing down at intersection. There was another car, coming from my left, but I was determined to be first! So I was, but not for long… I wasn’t fully conscious of what happened. I was thinking ahead, thinking of what I was going to say, rehearsing conversations with people at the event in my head… Now this conversation came to an abrupt end. I heard a small voice coming out of my mouth telling officer how I was dying being sick, having no money and going through divorce. Tears rolling down my cheeks confirmed authenticity of my victim’s story. The success of this operation depended on the softness of the officer’s heart, and his decision not to give me a ticket. He was sweet, empathetic and kind. Good man. He bought into my story, and felt sorry for me. He still gave me a well-deserved ticket.
I entered the freeway. Ticket was thrown on the passenger’s seat, with my coming-to-an-end-insurance and registration, the last documents of my married life. It was hard to see freeway through the eyes filled with water. But I wasn’t crying for my divorce, money, or health issues, not even for a ticket. I was crying in embarrassment of myself, for being weak, and for playing a victim. Every day I wake up, I do my morning ritual, work out, and set an intention of living my day as a world-class speaker, coach and a bestselling author. To be an inspiration to myself and others, to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. Every day I vow to set an example, to be my best Self! Everyday I push some limit! But now there was nothing inspiring about me. I was embarrassed by my little self hiding behind the excuses. I didn’t feel any empathy for a little girl who was afraid to be punished, who was caught doing something wrong, who was trying to protect herself by blaming the events of her life. I was angry with her, because she rubbed me of my confidence, rubbed me of my self-worth, my power… I was angry with my self … for giving my power away…
I am a bad girl… I ruined my mother’s confidence, my mother’s self-worth … shuttered my mother’s dreams … broke my mother’s heart….
…Mic in my hands. My voice comes out clear and strong. My posture is confident and powerful. Years of practice and training. My body knows how to take a stand. I speak of empowerment and inspiration. It’s a success. No one seems to notice what an incongruent liar I am. Back in my car, tormented by my emotions I can reflect on my feelings, judgements and beliefs, find the blocks and the issues to be healed.
Suddenly, in my minds eye I see a world-class skater making a gross mistake in the beginning of her program. It’s a crucial moment.
She can choose to decide that she is no longer a world-class athlete.
She can choose to decide that she is a loser who does not deserve to continue staying in competition.
Or she can choose to regroup and rebound, making the best of each moment that comes now, that comes next!
She can choose to see herself as a winner overcoming an obstacle.
Or she can choose to see herself as a lying impostor who didn’t deserve to have any success after making a mistake….
Here lies a lesson of humility, self-love and self-appreciation….
I saw the scared little one again. She was seven, cute, with this funky looking haircut, and the swollen red eyes….She was expecting the thunderous punishment for her behavior. She had to carry the burden of her mother’s self-worth on her shoulders…. “Sweetie, it’s not true that you are unworthy, or responsible for my worthiness! It’s not true! You are so beautiful, and strong, and I am proud of you! I hear how scared you were, and I get it! It’s okay. We learn and grow. And this is another opportunity for us! I am so proud of you for not giving up, and showing up, and doing your best! I am your biggest fan! I promise you to stand by your side every time you make mistakes, and every time you win! From now on, lets be a part of the same team!” I imagined holding her in my arms. She looked up at me and asked, “Could you share this story with others, maybe there is someone else out there who is struggling through the same issue…”Share